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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Don’t drive me crazy — it’s within walking distance.
Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
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In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
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To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ - the pig was ‘committed’.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother.
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He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.
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